Amorous Propensities : sex is funny, sex is sad

while i can appreciate the concept of being upfront, direct and honest about your gender identity, i think in practice, esp. for those people living outside of the gender binary, it is often more complicated than that.

it’s important to remember that many transgendered people have been killed/beaten/attacked for being upfront about how they identify— and that fear is one of the reasons that some choose not to disclose that information… and i think it is often a decision that is made in the moment, depending on whether or not the situation seems safe. so while a tranny may have intentions of being honest with all of hir partners, xi may find hirself in a situation where it just doesn’t feel totally safe to do so.

anyhow, i don’t mean to preach to the choir, b/c it sounds like you already get this, but unfortunately, transgendred individuals find themselves in a position where they are likely to be persecuted both for revealing and for concealing their non-conforming gender identites and expressions.

also, you mention that gwen is one of the better known victims of transphobic hate crimes, so i thought i’d mention that genderPAC has done a pretty good job of documenting and trying to bring public attention to all such crimes that are reported, in case anyone wants to look at the bigger picture of violence against the transgendered community.

I’m not a ‘tranny’ chaser but my sexuality is strongly biased toward people with atypical gender identity (most strongly feminine gay-identified males who do not crossdress). It has left me with a strong affection, concern for people outside the gender norms.

I can’t argue with anything that you said. But it feels as if there’s a hateful choice: be hurt by being honest, be hurt by being caught. And I guess that is often what the choices do boil down to if you aren’t lucky enough to live in one of the few transgender accepting spaces (subgroups within San Francisco).

Thanks for the link to the violence against transgendered persons page. Maybe a few will discover it here and it will help them orient their need for sexual expression in terms of all the possible dangers.

What a hateful planet of people living within intolerant and unimaginative ideas about gender.

yes, it is a hateful, and scary, world. i, too, worry a great deal for the many people close to me who the world, at large, just can’t seem to make sense of (including transgendered, transexual, genderqueer, intersexed, etc people).

also, just to clarify—- i didn’t mean to say the only options were to either be honest and get hurt or to be dishonest and get hurt. i didn’t articulate it very well, but what i meant was that i believe that many people who identify and/or present their gender in non-traditional ways often find themselves in situations where they have to gauge which action is the safest: either revealing or concealing their gender identity and how it may or may not coincide with their biological sex. i didn’t mean to say that anyone is consciously choosing to get hurt as the result of one action or the other—- just that in different situations, the danger associated with one action as opposed to the other may be perceived as being greater.

the other thing i’ve been thinking about, in regards specifically to gwen araujo, is how young she was. for many young people, sex, and sexual relations, can be very confusing, as they are still trying to figure out what’s “expected”, what behaviors are “acceptable”, how to speak up for their own needs and desires, etc, not to mention that many young people are not very confident in their early sexual experiences, all adding to the complication of trying to figure out how & when to articulate any transgressions from the expected gender/sexual norms. and this confusion, and lack of comfort and confidence, is something that i think a lot of young people experience, regardless of how they identify (both in terms of gender identity and in terms of sexuality). but when you add into the equation being a transgendered youth, who likely has few to no models for how sexual relationships function, it is all the more understandable why gwen araujo may not have spoken up about the fact that she had been born biologically male.

anyhow, just another aspect of her case that came to mind after my initial post…

You were clear. It just angers me that many transgendered teens face only a choice of being hurt by being open or by getting caught. Or being treated as fetish objects by closeted men.

I remember a couple of transgendered guys I knew long ago who got beat up. They knew the risks they were taking but couldn’t resist the challenge and the thrill. Sometimes when you are young all the role models in the universe won’t stop you from doing foolish things. Just as young vanilla gay guys have unprotected sex. There’s that illusion of invulnerability most of us have during a certain part of our lives.

I just wanted to add a few cents to the discussion, as a transsexual woman. Firstly, no pre-operative transsexual “plays” at being a woman. She is a woman who desires to be treated the same as any other woman in society. Just because she did not yet have her surgery, does not make her any less of a woman. Sex change surgery is not something that is granted on demand. We must live, at the very minimum, 12 months, as a woman before being “approved” for surgery by both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. At the end of that period, we are free to have our sex change surgery whenever we can afford it. However, it is during that period when we become the most vulnerable, due to our well “unique” status in the world.

Lastly, phobia of transgendered people knows no bounds, whether pre-operative or post-operative. Gwen Arujo could have been a post-operative and had what her killers felt was heterosexual consensual sex with her, and still killed her afterwards when discovering that she was transsexual.

So it’s not the size and shape of a transpersons genitalia that is the problem, it is the internalized phobia (transphobia, homophobia, etc) that rules the mind of those who do harm. That’s where the real problem lies. No matter how we slice and dice this, remember this: Gwen never asked or deserved to be killed no matter what. She acted instinctively as a female because she is one, regardless of the shape of her body. That’s where people fall down trying to understand a transgender person. I am a female period end. I think, live, love, and enjoy the world as a female, because it’s the only way I know how to live, regardless of the unfortunate circumstances of my birth.

Angela

-Can you think of any reason someone might have killed her?

-A reason? Men don’t need a reason. All they need is an excuse.

———Millenium

They found their excuse, and murdered Gwen. I doubt is was a quesion of their not knowing; more an issue of not caring who she was, as long as they got off.

Only after “comparing notes” (i.e. discovering friends shared the same forbidden attraction) did the decision to kill take shape. Was their inability to face fears about their own sexuality just cause for slaughter?

That seems to be the hidden assumption here, despite all the talk of deception. Her killers thought that by destroying her life, they could maintain their cherished delusion of themselves as “normal”; to mitigate their actions, however slightly, smacks of mortal perversity.

Hello, I am Gwen’s mom. What is the clearest to me now more than ever is that this world lacks education about transgendered persons. Transgender is NOT a choice they are born with it. Oprah did a show about Transgendered persons right before Gwen’s case ended in a Mistrial. I was invited to attend but obviously I could not. There was a doctor on that show that said it occurs in the first trimester of pregnancy in which the anatomy is being formed one way but the brain is the OPPOSITE of what the anatomy. In addition, the doctor also said that it is NOT genetic. These two things I just learned when I saw the taping of Oprah’s show. So you see even I am still learning and being educated about transgendered person. But as a mom who loves her children unconditionally I need to know b/c that is how much I love Gwen and it is important for all the other Gwen’s in this world. We as humans need to learn to be less judmental, be more loving, forgiving, understanding and compassionate towards one another. Bottom line is Gwen whether she was transgender or not she was a human being and she deserved LIFE and not DEATH. There is no excuse for MURDER. My daughter suffered and died a horrific DEATH and none of you saw the photographs of her body when they unearthed her for the 3 foot grave, nor did you see the pics of her badly battered body from the Coroner’s office. Her MURDER has even been described by Police Officers as “overkill”. I challenge any one who thinks that she deserved this to attend the Trial in Hayward on May 9, 2005 and sit through not just one day but through the ENTIRETY of Trial and hear and see all of the evidence and testimony and then make a comment about her. It still amazes me to see how much ignorance, hate and evil that exists in our world. Her life had yet to begin and she had so much to offer the world. I lost a beautiful daughter who yes was not perfect but neither are we. We are all so very different but just b/c we are doesn’t give ANYONE the right to MURDER. MURDER is MURDER and it is wrong. Let us learn to love and respect one another just as GOD would want us to. God bless you all. Go home and hug and kiss your children, spouses, partners, significant other and give thanks for the blessing that you do have. I pray for love, peace, healing and justice for ALL.

I just heard about Gwen’s slaying a little while ago on a GLBT television program and shortly after I came online to do some research on Gwen. I am a 20-year-old lesbian and I am so fed up and hurt by what happened. The world is so bias and chaotic. I am deeply hurt by what had happened to her. My heart goes out to Gwen’s family. We all need to do our part to finally get rid of Hate Crimes, Homophobia, and Transphobia.

i live in the town that Gwen lived and died in. & even though i never met her or any of her family or any other Transexual, I think that not telling another person wether you have a vagina or penis gives them any right to hurt you. We are all the same on the inside. the fact alone that ANYONE thinks they have a right to decide wether it was wrong or right for Gwen to have not told those people about her penis makes me SAD. the fact of the matter is, that she was KILLED. Her life was TAKEN AWAY. no one has a right to do that. wehter you’re gay, lasbian, trans sexual or straight, we ALL have the right to be ACCEPTED for WHO we are, not WHAT we are. so lets NEVER have this happen EVER again.

I am pre op female to male transexual. there is few to no services where i live for us. very little help if you find yourself female to male and also disabled. how i handle the problems of being the wrong sex to my insides is i just dont have sex with anyone. i know like this i cant have anyone anyways. the points made in this about males to females also sadly apply to us but i think more to the male to females as they are women and in greater danger. i have few friends because of this trust issue and fine anymous posts as this to be my only real voice. and radio phone ins where i can disguse my voice and give a fake name. Sad but true but i can and most likely will never ever be me. i think thats what Gwen was doing being her beautiful self and got killed by thugs who should be given the chair for what theyve done.

trnasgenderd people need to be carefull but also need to be honest with potential partners