Pulpit Pounders

When I was a kid I went to a Methodist church a bit. All I remember about that was being confused about the distinctions between the Apostles and the disciples.

The Bible Baptist Church of Savannah, GA was a stereotypical church. Fundamentalist to the core. Pastor Hodges regularly denounced the Southern Baptist Convention for its liberalism. A bunch of limp handshake Christians he said. Even though I don't enjoy shaking hands that left me with a firm one.

He preached against going to movies. Even Disney movies. You see an unsaved person might see you in line. Knowing that you were a Christian they'd figure you for a hypocrite, never get right with the lord and go to Hell. And dancing! He was fond of repeating something J. Edgar Hoover said about dancing. Probably to the effect that it led to fun, I mean, immorality.

A woman came to church in a dress the pastor thought too short. He had the deacons take her newspapers to cover her legs with less all the men folk lust after her in their hearts.

Some of the goings on were mildly funny but not the stuff good stories are made of. The church would be divided into Lambs and Lions. Each team was to bring visitors. The ones that brought the most were the winners. The prize was probably praise or maybe a nifty certificate suitable for framing. Pretty routine Rotarian booster crap.

Pulpit pounding Pastor Hodges was a go-getting Christian, an ex-business man who believed that God's grace worked best with PR. He liked stunts.

One Sunday the church let off thousand of helium filled balloons with a note to visit the Bible Baptist Church attached. A sure fire way to win souls for the Lord.

One Easter he led a small parade as he drove a horse and buggy to the church. Wonder what the three wise men used on the way.

There was a big build up for the "World's Tallest Preacher." I think he was 7'10". I guess it put him a little nearer to God than the rest of us.

But the supreme stunt during the years of my enforced attendance was ex-Governor Lester Maddox coming to preach a sermon. Maddox was an ignoramus whose original fame came from his reaction to the Civil Rights Act. The act, dating from the period when African-Americans had to drink from their own water fountain, required restaurant owners to seat and to serve Negroes. Maddox had chased the black people who entered with an axe.

Every now and then a minister from another church, maybe a Presbyterian, would come and get saved. Pastor Hodges would always gloat about that. Nothing could top reclaiming the soul of a false Christian.

When I was foolish enough to first go to the church, get saved myself and bring my parents to my lasting regret the church was small and dumpy. The services were held in a little brick building with purple windows. Sunday school classes took place in an old white structure next door. Within a few years it was replaced by a massive fortress, a K-12 school and a fleet of buses. Successful enough to get an article in a book on the ten fastest growing churches in the US.

One of the best parts of leaving home was no longer having to attend or pretend that I believed. I didn't have the nerve to tell my father that when I was living at home. Especially when I was a minor. There'd already been talk of sending me to Bob Jones University (the place John McCain attacked Bush for speaking at). He could've easily put me in some sort of Christian brainwashing camp. Putting on the suit and tie twice every Sunday and going to Sunday school, morning and evening service was a drag.

During revival time we might go for all five weekly services. The revivalists could be pretty entertaining. Their goal was to scare you into salvation. The drew heavily on nutty colorful prophecies in The Book of Revelation. The best was Jack Van Impe. He'd read and reread the Bible so many times, constantly trying to tie its words in with every newspaper and magazine that he read. He had the most unlikely insights. Alas even though my father made me listen to one of his records the details have faded. Most of it was about the Antichrist and the always around the corner return of Jesus. He and his lovely wife Rexella (all Christian wives are lovely, 11th commandment) have a TV show. He always good for at least 15 minutes of chuckles.

After I'd left the Bible Baptist Church became a charter member in Jerry Falwell's Moral Majority. I haven't heard of the church in a blessedly long time. While I'm sure the faces are different they are most likely slapping each other on the back for being above 'the world' as they call the rest of us. The born again think that makes them very brave and daring.

This is a good place to mention WWMO. It was possibly still is a fundamentalist radio station. I never listen to the radio but must've been curious when I moved to North Carolina. I remember two outstanding programs.

I don't know if the first one even had a name. Possibly it did in an unknown tongue. The host would spend 15 minutes twice a week speaking in unknown tongues. It was odder coming from a stereo speaker than it had been in person. If you haven't been lucky enough to attend a Pentecostal church you can get the effect by speaking nonsense syllables while trying to gurgle and yodel at the same time.

The other show, Teen Time, was ghastly. The young host would gloat about how happy he was that his parents beat him. If he ever lost his faith I hope he was lucky enough to find a nice, stern Mistress.

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